You can't teach a hammer to love nails, son.

Well, I have officially survived my first semester back in school, with pretty good grades to boot. I'm surprised at how quickly it flew by, and am both sad and relieved to have it behind me. Since I started in the spring semester, I was somewhat limited in the classes I could take, and ended up taking three courses to fill requirements for graduation. They were all extremely demanding, and now that I'm finished I am pleased that it worked out the way it did; the intensity required to excel this semester has definitely driven home that I absolutely must take this seriously. Sure, there were days that I was frustrated and exhausted, but I have to admit: this is the best I've felt about my life in years, and the worst day of the semester was nothing compared to an average day working in the retail industry.

I tried (with little success) to explain to one of my co-workers that I do not see going back to school as a means to an end but rather a method of improving my life right now. It would be foolhardy to think that the simple act of returning to school will set one's entire life straight; we all live in the moment, and depending on some brighter and hypothetical future will not make things better now. We each have to take responsibility for walking our individual paths, and this was a strong start for yours truly.

I will not comment on how much more clear my perception is of how F'ed in the A our world is right now (thanks, European History/Comparative Politics combo), mainly because the label says "fun stuff". That'll have to be an entry for another day.

I do have several things to share with my loyal handful of readers though (I really need to come up with a name for you guys), including a couple of mini-film reviews, some wise words from an important writer, a literary amalgamation made of 100% win, and some thoughts about the return of maybe the best cartoon ever. Miles to go before I sleep, kiddies...

I actually made it out last weekend to see Iron Man with my friend Chrissie, and just haven't had the time to blog about it due to finals. I also watched Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer a couple of nights ago on the glass teat; these reviews will be fairly short (and the crowd goes wild), mainly because the former has been very eloquently reviewed by a friend and I have very little to add, and the latter frankly doesn't merit a great deal of discussion.

First up is the ol' Shellhead himself, Iron Man. This movie has some minor flaws, like a lackluster score (something that has plagued Marvel films from day one) and the fact that John Farveau is a much stronger character director than action director (something which actually helped more than hurt the film). That's about all I can say that I find to be negative about the movie; it is an impressive accomplishment otherwise, and has easily stormed my personal Top Ten of superhero movies, coming it at #7. And yes, there is a list forthcoming (a list and a half, actually).

My buddy Chris over on the Knight Shift gave a stellar review of the movie, and rather than just repeat him I'm going to recommend you checkout what he has to say. All I will add is that the little boy inside who dreamt of making his own suit of armor is pleased with what he witnessed, and may just have to see it again in the theater. I'm giving the movie a very strong 4 out of 5.

Next up is Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, which didn't suck so much as didn't do much of anything. I actually kind of enjoyed it, maybe because my expectations were so low. I gave up on bitching about my dislike of Jessica "Little Wooden Girl" Alba after the first one, and basically just ignored her during the sequel. I was horrified by the Galactus "cloud" just like everyone else, and therefore made a conscious decision to just try and find what good I could in the movie.

I wanted two things from the movie, and for the most part it delivered: I wanted the Silver Surfer to be and look cool (which he did, although I was not happy with how they tweaked his powers), and I wanted more Ben-Johnny interaction. Michael Chiklis and Chris Evans have a great chemistry, and this formed the basis of my enjoyment of the first film. This isn't Marvel's worst movie, but sadly it isn't all that great either. Which is a pity, because the First Family of Marvel Comics deserves so much more. I'm giving it a perfectly mediocre 2.5 out of 5.


To help cleanse my palate, I have been watching the Fantastic Four: World's Greatest Heroes animated series from 2006, and it is much better than I expected it to be. In fact, it is probably the best animated show to come out of Marvel since the early Nineties. I was surprisingly not annoyed in the least by the attempt at modernization, and feel that the creators had a good understanding of what works about the FF. I still have about five more episodes to see, but I feel comfortable giving the show a healthy 3.5 out of 5.

Moving on to the literary world, I bumped into a little something useful to writers of all ages and experience levels. This is from Nineteen Eighty-Four author George Orwell's 1946 essay "Politics and the English Language", and is very good advice.

A scrupulous writer, in everything he writes, will ask himself at least four questions, thus:

• What am I trying to say?
• What words will express it?
• What image or idiom will make it clearer?
• Is the image fresh enough to have an effect?

And he will probably ask himself two more:

• Could I put it more shortly?
• Have I said anything that is avoidably ugly?

One can often be in doubt about the effect of a word or a phrase, and one needs rules that one can rely on when instinct fails. I think the following rules will cover most cases:

• Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
• Never uses a long word where a short one will do.
• If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
• Never use the passive where you can use the active.
• Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
• Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

In short, stick to the K.I.S.S. formula and Keep It Simple, Stupid. Click here if you are interested in reading the entire essay.

I also bumped into the following over on scans_daily, and traced them back to their origins here. In short, a group of people has taken it upon themselves to rewrite Pulp Fiction in the literary styling of "The Bard" himself, William Shakespeare. They are all fairly entertaining, but the following two are the best of the bunch. I am going to have to insist that you read them aloud, as they become much more entertaining that way...



Two passages of
William Shakespeare's
Pulp Fiction:

ACT I SCENE 2. A road, morning. Enter a carriage, with JULES and VINCENT, murderers.

VINCENT
And know'st thou what the French name cottage pie?

JULES
Say they not cottage pie, in their own tongue?

VINCENT
But nay, their tongues, for speech and taste alike
Are strange to ours, with their own history:
Gaul knoweth not a cottage from a house.

JULES
What say they then, pray?

VINCENT
Hachis Parmentier.

JULES
Hachis Parmentier! What name they cream?

VINCENT
Cream is but cream, only they say le crème.

JULES
What do they name black pudding?

VINCENT
I know not;
I visited no inn it could be bought.

ACT 8 SCENE 2. BRETT's abode, afternoon. JULES stands over BRETT while VINCENT explores the kitchen. MARVIN cowers in the corner.

JULES
My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.

BRETT
What?

JULES
What country dost thou hail from?

BRETT
What?

JULES
How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?

BRETT
What?

JULES
The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?

BRETT
Aye!

JULES
Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!

BRETT
What?

JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat

JULES
Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!

BRETT
He is dark.

JULES
Aye, and what more?

BRETT
His head is shaven bald.

JULES
Has he the semblance of a harlot?

BRETT
What?

JULES strikes and BRETT cries out

JULES
Has he the semblance of a harlot?

BRETT
Nay!

JULES
Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?

BRETT
I did not!

JULES
Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

"This is some fucked-up repugnant shit."

I swear these get funnier the more I read them. Kudos to all of the contributors!

Finally, I'm going to leave you with a preview of The Venture Brothers: Season 3. As previously stated, this might just be the best cartoon to ever grace the airwaves. The season premier is on June 1st, and show-creator Jackson Publick promises to deliver the goods. I can't wait!

Click on the picture below to head over and enjoy the preview.

Semper Fidelis Tyrannosaurus!